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Ahhhh… Mothers Day…

     I remember the days of being all doe-eyed and oogie over a hideous breakfast in bed knowing full well the clip_image002kitchen probably looks like a Third World Country. Gifts like tiny hand prints pressed into cement, so much cuter than the tiny handprints in ketchup on the walls. Mothers Day Tea parties with cucumber sandwiches and fancy paper hats made by dirty, sticky hands that I ate and wore with a smile on my face.

    

I ALSO remember thinking that when they are older, Mothers Day will be a fancy breakfast buffet with mimosas in crystal glasses and Eggs Benedict on fine china, served AND cleaned up by someone else. Gifts like a day at the spa and maybe a real cup of tea like Earl Grey, with lemon…and actually hot.

The reality is… acutely different.

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My kids now range from almost 10 to 17. And right now, the only thing I want from them is this…

1. Flush the fucking toilet.

2. Pick up, un-ball and place into a laundry basket your crunchy, Frito smelling socks.

3. When you take your pants off.. don’t leave them inside out with your underware securely attached to them. They are 2 separate items. Take them off one at a time.

4. When you walk in the door and actually remember to take off your shoes, MOVE THEM FROM THE MIDDLE OF THE DOORWAY.

5. Stop putting half eaten bowls of cereal in the fridge. WTF? You will NEVER eat it later. Hell, the dogs won’t even eat it.

6. Penicillin has already been invented. Bring your plates and cups down from your room.

7. Keep track of your shit. IE: iphone/ipod chargers. Stop stealing mine.

8. When I hide something, I isn’t a game. You aren’t supposed to go looking for it. (like chargers…)

9. If you have a spider in your room, and are too fear struck to kill it yourself, get me or dad… we will help, judgment free. Stop lighting them on fire, insurance won’t cover that. Spraying them with Febreeze won’t work either and whacking them with a metal bat only leaves holes in the wall.

10. If you make a hole in the wall, fix it. But not with gum and candle wax.clip_image006

11. Girls, I will happily share my makeup with you. But keep in mind it’s far too expensive to waste doing blind make up challenges, doggie makeovers or dressing Charlie in drag. Awesome as it may seem..please, refrain…

12. Boys, I will happily share my tools with you. But please put them back when you are done. I break a lot of shit and need them often…

13. Clear the browser when you use my computer… there are some things a mom doesn’t need to know.

14. Stop slamming doors. Every time you slam a door, an angel gets its wings chopped off… think about that!

However, if you are so inclined to actually do something for me on Mothers Day, my sweets, do something good for a Mom in need. Because, despite my bitching and complaining, I know how lucky I am to have Daddy and you guys and I am incredibly blessed to have all I could ever want or need.

 

 

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This is Jorge… his nickname is Pooty…

and a container of Tang…

Get it?

God, I love my kids…..

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I know this is in my archives, but out of sight, out of mind and last night the kids and I were talking about it and I still laugh till I cry…so I had to share…man, do I wish I had pictures for this one…..

It was an early spring day in 2009 at the Monica Household.

Early morning.. and early spring..a chill was in the air, rain without ice was just beginning to fall. Mother Nature was just beginning to show us her promise for the upcoming season. New babies were being born all over this great green state. (Garden State green, nuclear waste green, take your pick, either works) Baby birds, nestled warmly beneath their mothers down, squirrels in their cans abound.(inside joke for all those going WTH? Buy hey, squirrels in a can, everyone’s a fan!) Field mice made their way into my toasty warm garage, courtesy of faulty duct work.

That week, I had discovered the tell tale peppering of mouse turds near the dogs empty food bowl. Quite aware of my husband’s Perez Hilton like behavior in regards to rodents of all types, I decided to act fast to quell this potentially exponential population boon going on within the walls of a house that has already maxed out its occupancy allotment before we had even moved in. Afraid to use bromide chips because of Charlies apparent tapeworms and insatiable hunger, I chose the somewhat neanderthal “gluetrap” option. And boy, I could never EVER have imagined what lie ahead of me as I stood in Target, looking at my choices….

First, let me tell you.. everything BUT mice get stuck in these things…As I lie them out, I was sucked into them time and time again, a vortex, if you will, of polymer bonding, the likes of such that should not be legal here in this dimension. Sally Hansen waxing products resemble Elmers Glue when compared to this stuff. Looking back now, I realize that a more ill fated plan there never was, but for my own personal attempt at waxing. Whole other story ENTIRELY…

Back to the glue traps. After I finally disperse them thru the house and garage, I go about my chores until I hear an odd ” slap slap thump”.. over and over.. I’m thinking… OMG I caught one already? COOL! Now, who’s gonna throw it out? So, this flopping sound continues. Quite aggressively in fact. And I’m thinking.. OMG.. its a RAT I bet. And a HUGE one at that… Then, the flopping got closer… and closer… and there, as I came around the corner, coming from the game room, was Sally. Our fox terrier/chihuahua mix, sporting three traps.. one on a front paw, one on a back, and her nose… Seems the smell attracts simple minded dogs too. She had been in the garage with me, I guess and I had left the door opened a bit, so she was able to get into the house adorned in her new accoutrements. Silly sally…I get the traps off, put them back, close AND lock the garage doors, and we all have a chuckle.

Then … the next day… oh, that fateful next day..

It was 6:30 am. I was sound asleep…when I was suddenly awoken by SCREAMING and POUNDING up the stairs… My bedroom door flies open and Cody, braying like a donkey, DIVES under my covers, immediately followed by TJ, double the size of Cody ad twice as loud too, RIPS the blankets off the bed. Then all the sudden I hear WHAP.. then ARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I look… and I look again… and there… is Cody… with a glue trap.. ON HIS HEAD! NOOOOO!!!!!!

Oh man… God was with TJ that day. Cody is losing his mind, and as my instincts are to hold him back from jumping on TJ and making a sticky situation a bloody one as well, that primitive part of my brain told me DONT TOUCH THAT KID! Insanity ensued for a brief moment and the story, as it happened, began to unfold.

TJ is slow in the morning. (like me) Cody, however, is not. (like Joe) In his annoyance, and an attempt to light a fire under TJs ass, Cody threatened him w. a glue trap he found behind the computer (still no clue as to HOW he found it or why he was back there) Cody jokingly waved it close to TJs hairy legs. TJ swatted at Cody, glue trap fell… sticky side down.. on TJs leg. TJ RIIIIPS off glue trap, and in his blinding pain, chases him full throttle thru the house to my bedroom where the” WHAP heard round the world” was then executed.

So, there I am..not yet 7am… still dark out and I’m Googling “how to remove rodent glue trap from human hair” all while promising TJ that I was going to “drag him to church, and beat him in front of God.” TJ took the bus to school that am. But I promised him, that if I couldn’t get the trap out of Cody’s hair without cutting it, I was shaving his head.. with a dull linoleum knife and lemon juice….And for those of you who know TJ, at the time this “incident” took place he was rockin the whole Emo look..black hair longer than TylerLee’s , SlipKnot t-shirts, you know…the whole doom n gloom thing. But his hair is his pride and joy. (a phase we ALL managed to survive)

Well.. FYI, olive oil works GREAT… Cody had shiny hair for about a week and barring being late for school, the entire fiasco ended peacefully…. TJ still had his hair… and I will NEVER buy glue traps.. EVER AGAIN…

That’s my story.. and I’m stickin to it. Pun intended!

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