While at a friends house last weekend, my dirty little secret became painfully apparent.

Heather breaks shit.

Secret? All who know me are going Um..like this is new news??”

Yeah, it kind of is.

Usually I break shit because I’m a klutz and a touch ADD.

(A touch!??)

Hey! I saw that!

But things have gone from “She’s a klutz!” to “Is she drunk?” to “Did she have a stroke?” pretty damn fast.

I had a rheumatologist I used to see, but once my organs started to die one by one, requiring a mélange of surgeries and hospital stays, the arthritis took the back seat to organ death.

Less than 2 years later and most of my insides are arranged on my mantle in canopic jars. Time to follow up with my rhumey and I get told that the next available appointment for me is not until MID APRIL?

Does the phrase “Oh HELL NO!” come to mind?

So, I looked up rheumatologists my plan takes, then Googled the ones in my town. The female ones.

Yeah, I’m one of THOSE people. Get over it.

So, I happen to find a practice dedicated to the treatment and research into RA and Osteoarthritis. And there are lady doctors! And they can see me next week! Hazzah!

So, I made an appointment w. my PC (primary care) to get my referral and Oy. Vey. Mamma…

1.) She yelled at me and made me cry, but that’s why I love her.

2.) she wouldn’t let me leave without making an appointment with my GI ASAP. as in THAT DAY.

3.) She demanded I get my blood work done “the moment you walk out these doors” (helps that LabCorp is in the building next door.)

So, what started as an 11am appointment to get a referral for an RA Drs appointment next week, ended at 4pm with me leaving my GIs office holding the instructions for my Upper GI endoscopy and Colonoscopy and staring blankly off into space.

Talk about a WTF moment.

The GI I saw was nothing short of AMAZING. Her bedside manner is epic. She’s stunningly beautiful and VERY pregnant! And, get this….her hubby is the same Dr, that has operated on me twice in the last 18 months!

After a just few minutes of talking to me and reviewing my generous medical history, she looks at me and says “You are FACINATING!”

That’s a compliment, right?

On we go, she asks me a plethora of questions, and I start to find it very concerning that I am answering “yes” to FAR to many of them.

Jordyn is there with me and helps out by reminding me to tell the doctor how right after I eat, I cry my stomach hurts, run to the bathroom and poop my brains out. Ahhh… out of the mouths of babes… (mouths that we should be allowed to shove used, crunchy, Frito smelling teen boy socks into)

She pokes my belly, I wince….she  looks at my abundance of surgical scars and says, “you probably have some pretty severe adhesions. Know what causes adhesions? Surgery. The only way to get rid of adhesions? SURGERY.”

I politely tell her, my next surgery will be my autopsy. I’m done with surgeries, thank you.

She sits down. She looks at my hands that I am barely able to use, (typing this will take patience, hours and LOTS of spell check) then looks me in the eye and begins to rattle off a list of things that she highly suspects I may be suffering from. Little does she know I have, much to my dismay, a vast exposure to medical content. I can remember names of things and save them in a special file in my brain. All thanks to years of listening to Kylies Drs. rattle things off like an auctioneer. I cant remember when I peed last but I can tell  you, verbatim, the 4 autoimmune disorders she fears may be the cause of all my issues.

1.) scleroderma –major oh shit factor here…

2.) rheumatoid arthritis – yeah, already knew that…

3.) lupus – definite oh shit factor. but not major oh shit like the scleroderma

4.)scleritis- kinda a given considering the previous 3.

(all 4 explaining previously mentioned random organ death)

OK. She says “I am at your disposal. We need to get you better”

Did you read that. A doctor that said to me, that she is at MY DISPOSAL!

Go ahead, take a moment to recover. I needed to too!

I said, I will do whatever, whenever… and she says “OK…I need biopsies. So, upper endoscopy tomorrow. ok?? “ and before I could nod yes “And a colonoscopy next week.”

...and a colonoscopy next week!

...and a colonoscopy next week!

BLINK… I have referred to my anxiety of the ole’ scope the butthole before. ::gulp:: My hiney puckered. My large intestine shuddered. I think I even farted a little.

But, I’m too sick, I’m too young, and thanks to propofol, I wont remember it.

It’s the 72 hour bowel prep that is gonna be the fun part.

Yeehaww!!!!! That should be some fun blog content! Who doesn’t love a good poop joke!

And all this, because I broke everything I put my hands on last Sunday.

Footnote: the upper GI was done yesterday. I awoke from my propafol nap thinking about bacon, dancing bacon. I can understand why MJ got in so much trouble with it. Bacon is awesome, but DANCING BACON! EPIC AWESOME!

Sunday I start my prep for the colonoscopy. So, while everyone is eating copious amounts of wings, nachos, and everything good in this world I will be drinking 10ozs of citrate of Magnseia, a half gallon of clear liquids (Mikes Hard Lime is considered clear liquids, RIIIIIIIGHTTT???), and 2 Dulcolax gel tabs. And more of the same the next day. I know, I know.Your jealous, aren’t you?

live, love and laugh kids, I know I am….