as an homage to my dear friend, hero mommy and all around strong, inspiring and awesome woman, Vera…

this ones for you…

Books That SHOULD Have Been Written.

Nancy Drew and the Mystery of the Crap and Toilet Paper Clogged Toilet.

Someone has clogged two of Mrs. Houghs toilets and no one claims responsibility. Join Nancy as she explores the possibilities through DNA testing, interviewing residents and criminal profiling tactics.

Nancy Drew and the Hidden Car Keys

Tired, perpetually late and chronically disheveled Mrs. Monica has lost her car keys and cant seem to find them. Nancy is ON THE CASE! Is it her persnickety teen daughter who has hidden them out of resentment and general bitchyness or her youngest scamp Charlie who lost them while playing with them in the mud? Maybe Mrs. Monica is just loosing her mind and they are still in her purse where they belong. Only Nancy can figure it out! Or can she???

How about some of Judy Blume’s  lesser known titles:

 “Are you there Sclerotherapy? Its me, Spider Veins.”

   This heart wrenching read details Margret’s struggles as she deals with the troubles and traumas of middle age. -Margret is reaching 40 and her legs are starting to show it. What should she do? Can she ever face the world again? Is she destined to wear black leggings in the middle of August?

“Crows Feet Eyes” 

     Davey has moved to New Mexico after her divorce and stint in rehab. Its time to start over.  But Oh no! She’s in her 40s and all the squinting from the new sunny climate is causing her to have wrinkles around her eyes. What can she do? Is this the end of her youthful look? Is there no one who can understand her misery and fear?

“Whoever Said Middle Age Is Not the End of the World Is a Freakin’ Liar”

Karen barely survived her parents divorce as a kid, and because of that, never got married. Twenty years of therapy and countless failed J-dates have left her in debt, lonely and the not so proud owner of 15 cats. Karen is now middle aged, has a neighbor who plays his accordion naked in front of an open window at 3am, a 4 inch mole on her chin with more hair than her cat and a blood sugar of 230. Everyday, her waking thought is “whoever said middle age is not the end of the world is an f-ing liar.” Could she be wrong? Probably not, but still, a good read if you want to feel better about yourself.

“Otherwise Known as My Boobs Used to Be Great”

   In her late teens and early 20’s Shelia had a great rack. I mean, her boobs turned heads. As a “administrative assistant” they were her one way ticket to the CEOs couch and hopefully down the isle. However, the CEO’s promise of leaving his wife “soon” never panned out and as her décolletage fell, so did her status. Now bitter, resentful and  in her 40s, her once pert and audacious bosom now serves as place to tuck her cell phone and catch her Entemanns crumbs.. Is surgery the answer?

“Blubber AKA Cellulose”

      Following the chaos of 5th grade, Linda decided to make a change. By her senior year in high school she was Homecoming Queen and student body president. Jill, her best friend was right by her side, even thru college. They married twin brothers who were also quarterbacks of the school football team. Both men got drafted by the NFL and their life is great. Wendy, however, wasn’t so lucky. Pregnant at 16 and quietly moved into Vo-Tech school, her uppity days of being snotty and mean were over. By the time she was 40, she was a grandma and the focus of an A&E television show titled “When Cellulose Becomes Blubber” Isn’t karma a bitch?

“Then Again, Maybe I Wont Ever See My Toes Again”

     Tony’s days of being the shy rich kid are over. Thanks to his dads money and a decked out IROC-Z  on his 16th birthday Tony soon becomes the neighborhood Goomba. His partying took over and before you can say “fughettabouditit” Tony is working as a personal trainer in a shoddy gym selling growth hormones to Juice Heads. When dads money is gone after a failed investment in Billy Mays next “sure thing!” the only thing Tony has left are his wife beaters and gold chains. Now Tony is 40, he looks 9 months pregnant with a beer belly and owes child support to three different women in as many states. But all is not lost, Tony has just applied to be the new roommate on Jersey Shore. It is GTL time for Tony?